PLANET OF THE SALES APES, NEW DRAFT

Theoretically starring:
JIM MOIR as THE AUTHOR OF THIS SCREENPLAY
ROBERT SHAW as VIC REEVES
JENNIFER ANISTON as KIRK
LORETTA SWITT as SPOCK
LARRY DAVID as GEORGE COSTANZA
AARON SPELLING as BOB MORTIMER
JOANNA LUMLEY as HERSELF
DAVID MCCALLUM as HIMSELF
JOHNNY DEPP as SAPPHIRE
BRIAN WALDEN as STEEL
CHARLIE SHEEN as CAPTAIN WILLARD
LENNY HENRY as MAN WITH GUN
BALDRICK as HIMSELF



EXT. PLANET OF THE SALES APES. KIRK AND SPOCK BEAM DOWN.

KIRK
What the hell are we doing here, Spock? This screenplay is not a serious drama.

SPOCK
It's my fault, captain. I did a Columbo or two and before I knew it I'd let myself become fodder for an unhinged post-rational surreal satirist.

KIRK
And you're played by Loretta Switt. What's that all about?

SPOCK
With due respect, Captain, you're played by Jennifer Aniston - I think we're both the victims of the author's malevolence here.

KIRK
We have to get out of here.


CUT TO...


INT. ROOM. MAN WITH GUN IS WATCHING A TV ON WHICH KIRK AND SPOCK HAVE BEAMED DOWN TO THE PLANET OF THE SALES APES. MAN WITH GUN CHANGES CHANNEL. IT NOW SHOWS JOANNA LUMLEY AND DAVID MCCALLUM, APPEARING ON THE PLANET OF THE SALES APES IN A COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED MANNER.

LUMLEY
It's started Steel.

MCCALLUM
I'm not Steel, I'm David McCallum and you're Joanna Lumley. You're being overly thespian.

LUMLEY
Either way, McCallum, it's started.

MCCALLUM
What's started?

LUMLEY APPEARS TO CONCENTRATE TELEPATHICALLY.

LUMLEY
The film. Or the dream. It's hard to say.

MCCALLUM
Where are we?

LUMLEY
We're on the planet of the sales apes. Look. I can see Kirk and Spock over there.

CUT TO KIRK AND SPOCK IN THE DISTANCE AND THEN CUT BACK

MCCALLUM
That's Jennifer Aniston and Loretta Switt in Star Trek uniforms.

LUMLEY
We're in a surreal screenplay, McCallum, things are going to get far more bizarre than the MASH and Friends stars playing Kirk and Spock.

MCCALLUM
Well then let's leave.

THE AUTHOR OF THIS SCREENPLAY APPEARS FROM BEHIND A CACTUS.

THE AUTHOR OF THIS SCREENPLAY
But you can't. You're stuck here. Until it either descends into total chaos and implodes or one of you, the characters of the film, MAN WITH GUN specifically, ends the film in the surreal and bizarre way we have come to expect from these films.

LUMLEY
Who are you?

THE AUTHOR OF THIS SCREENPLAY
I'm the author of this screenplay.

DAVID MCCALLUM
No you're not, you're Vic Reeves, I've seen you on television.

THE AUTHOR OF THIS SCREENPLAY
Well if you want to pick nits I'm actually Jim Moir and Vic Reeves was a character I created.

LUMLEY
Either way it doesn't help us deal with the problem at hand. But surely Jim, I mean THE AUTHOR OF THIS SCREENPLAY, if you're the author, you can decide how it ends.

THE AUTHOR OF THIS SCREENPLAY
I am Jim Moir, just like you're Joanna Lumley, and I'm playing the author of this screenplay, as written by the real author.

DAVID MCCALLUM
Perhaps that would be Bob Mortimer?

BOB MORTIMER
I have nothing to do with this. I don't even have any idea what's going on.

THE AUTHOR OF THIS SCREENPLAY
Look, Aaron, if you want to play Bob Mortimer you'll need to adopt a Northern English vernacular. You sound too much like a Californian. Even your lines sound Californian. It's not Bob Mortimer. Anyway, my point is I have no power over anything, even the delivery of my lines, which is left up to the imagination of the reader.

BOB MORTIMER
But I AM Aaron Spelling and, like I said, I have no idea how I ended up in this bizarre insult to tv and film producers everywhere.

MAN WITH GUN
This is getting tedious. There must be something better on.

LUMLEY
Did you hear that McCallum? That was MAN WITH GUN.

MAN WITH GUN
What the sales ape? Can you hear me Lumley?

LUMLEY
I can hear you, MAN WITH GUN.

MAN WITH GUN
You know what this means, don't you?

LUMLEY
No. What does it mean?

BALDRICK
It means the dream or film or film of a dream or dream of a film has definitely kicked off again. We're all here on the planet of the sales apes. I must be there too.

MCCALLUM
Why, where did you think you were?

MAN WITH GUN
In the limbo between dreams and realities, where blame and blamelessness are both nonexistent. Somewhere a being can get a little peace.

SAPPHIRE AND STEEL APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE.

SAPPHIRE
Did you notice how THE AUTHOR OF THE SCREENPLAY mentioned a reader? He implied that this screenplay is not to be made into a film, merely imagined in the minds of a reader or readers.

STEEL
How does that help us?

SAPPHIRE
Don't you see? It gives us a bit of leverage. Just a small amount of control. If we encourage the readers in a certain way, they may be able to collectively end the nightmare for us, by changing the shape of reality.

STEEL
You mean with their actions and the synchronicity between their actions and a morally sound pathway between potential events on a spacetime continuum?

SAPPHIRE
Precisely.

STEEL
So what are we here for then?

KIRK AND SPOCK ARRIVE

KIRK
I think it's obvious why we're here. Surely even a fool could see.

BALDRICK
It's King Turnip again, isn't it?

KIRK
No, you dimwit. We're here to entertain millions of people and help them understand a few things about space and aliens and stuff like that. Haven't you seen Third Rock from the Sun? Sci-fi alien space comedy and drama is the only technical framework these earth creatures have for understanding the cosmos.

SPOCK
What are you talking about? Actors don't know anything about reality or science. Our job is to bring stories to life, not to document reality. Our tv shows teach people how to talk and sound normal, that's about it. Not just their language usage but the ideas they have, the things which interest them. Whether it's a story about an army post in Korea or a starship on ‘frontiers' of space the stories are usually just parochial stories told within a context which seems much vaster than the story really is.

KIRK
What, are you Constantin Stanislavsky now?

SPOCK
I'm a true blue American, sir!

SPOCK SALUTES

KIRK
But you're a Vulcan. I think you're having a flashback to MASH.

SPOCK MAKES VULCAN SALUTE.

SPOCK
Live long and prosper, sir.

MAN WITH GUN
Again I say, this is getting tedious. There must be something better on.

MAN WITH GUN CHANGES THE CHANNEL. CAPTAIN WILLARD HAS JUST CRASHED ONTO THE PLANET OF THE SALES APES IN HIS SPACE BOAT.

MAN WITH GUN
What is this, Wacky Races?

CAPTAIN WILLARD
Hey, MAN WITH GUN, you there?

MAN WITH GUN
Yes I'm here, and so is everyone else by the look of it. Looks like we're living the dream, so to speak, or perhaps more accurately the nightmare.

 


(to be continued)

Free Palestine. End White Supremacism. Initiate a new global society which reverses the damage done by our mad world. When a baby you don't know is not less important than the donut on its way to your rectum you will be capable of surviving and not destroying your own body and world. When you label the 'religion' of the baby a reason to put your donut first, you embrace the act of being what can truly be called a fanatic.